There is No Place Like Home
by clockwork starlight
Summary: Naruto x Furuba Crossover. Crack... pure, simple, ridiculously silly CRACK. Poor Orochimaru, snake freaks in other anime are scary too.


Don't own Naruto, Fruits Basket, Disney, L. F. Baum's Wizard of Oz OR the MGM version in which the Silver Slippers are turned into the Ruby Slipers. I love crack... it makes me happy. I think I'll dedicate this to my other roommate, Adlyn, because I can recall a conversation in which we were discussing just how Orochimaru and Ayame would get along. I LOVE YOU ROOMMATE!

* * *

This had to be some kind of nightmare. That was it, he needed a new body, and the pain was manifesting itself in this dream. These thoughts were swirling around deep within the recesses of Orochimaru's mind. However at the moment, he, or his dream self, was dealing with a crisis. He _could not move_. This had to be some kind of mad genius who modified a previous jutsu to the point where even _he_ could not get out of it. Orochimaru refused to let himself believe that his dream self was incapable of movement simply because that was the dream playing itself out. All he could do was glare; this white-haired idiot prancing around was talking far too much.

Ayame was in heaven. It was obvious, to him at least, that this new customer was in denial of his penchant for exotic romance. Given what he had come in wearing, the denial was foolish, but Ayame was a tolerant and patient and understanding and benevolent man, after all, Yuki loved him. Did he mention modest? Anyway, this poor man, and his lack of style, had wandered into his shop disbelievingly. Ayame and all but picked him up and set him on the fitting stand. The purple rope was the first thing to go. Ayame and Mina had gone into a frenzy of measuring and fashion consultation.

"You have a lovely complexion, you should wear pink more often."

"Nonsense, Mina-san, those eyes… Red would definitely bring them out!"

"You're right, sensei, he's got such wonderful eyes, they remind me of yours. They've got an almost… reptilian quality."

"You really should take better care of your hair. Such length! I recommend changing the brand of shampoo you use."

"Sensei, he's about the same size as you are, what shall we try on first?"

"I know! Yuki was speechless with wonder at the bride's gown. Let's start with that!"

After a great deal of struggling in vain, Orochimaru looked into the mirror and nearly broke his teeth when he tried to use the Kusanagi no Tsurugi: Ku no Tachi. He was in a frothy white ball gown, seed pearls and silver thread abounded. Someone had coifed his hair into a complex bun, held up with pearl combs. If looks could maim, every single muscle in these idiots' bodies would have forcibly removed themselves, starting with the ligaments, and then their organs would stretch until they tore, and their skin would flay itself, one sliver at a time. The woman had, in a fit of what must have been insanity, run off and come back with a small color stick, which she brushed quickly over a section of his mouth. He was more than ready to, if not able to kill them, kill himself.

He was so busy plotting he didn't notice till too late. The two grinning fools had changed him again. Black ribbons, black ruffles, black stockings with holes in them. He didn't know what the Hell he'd done to deserve this… this _had_ to be retribution for at least _two_ bodies' worth of evil.

"Sensei, I don't think Gothic Lolita suits him."

"No… let's try something else. Alice in Wonderland?" Ayame looked thoughtfully at this new problem. He was determined to send him home happy. "Perhaps… the Jasmine-hime costume."

"Brilliant sensei!" Mina rushed off to fetch the aquamarine silk.

After a few moments contemplation, the two fashion masterminds decided that their new charge did not suit the Disney princess look at all.

Mina frowned speculatively over the rim of her heart shaped glasses frames. She pulled Ayame down and whispered in his ear. Ayame's face lit up and he shooed her toward the backroom. She came back with a look of pure evil delight that even Kabuto would not have managed. Orochimaru sighed and closed his eyes. His mind was slowly giving into doubt if he _was_ in a dream… which would not do. There was no way that he _wasn't_ in a dream. Perhaps Uchiha Itachi had gotten hold of him, and he was trapped in the Mangekyou Sharingan. Though this did not seem like Uchiha's style at all.

He opened his eyes ever so slightly, and they flew open in shock of their own accord. Pigtails in ribbons, blue and white gingham, a basket with a stuffed dog peering out, and sparkly red shoes. His mind shut down, and he stared at his tormentors using the mirror, disbelief visible in his eyes. They, however, thought that he had finally found something that appealed to him. Mina clapped her hands excitedly. Ayame simply looked smug, for a job well done.

"Now click your heels together three times, and say "There is no place like home"!" Mina suggested eagerly.

And to his horror, Orochimaru found himself obeying. There was a whirling sensation… like Tsunade had swung him around a few times and let go. He opened eyes he didn't realize had been closed, and to his relief, found himself back in his dank, dark lair, Kabuto flipping through his cards. He nearly cried. However crying wasn't an option. He stood and paced, not noticing Kabuto staring.

"O-orochimaru-sama?"

"What is it?"

"What are those on your feet?"

Orochimaru forced himself to look down, and was very tempted to just kill Kabuto right then and there. And then maybe kill himself.

Red sequins gleamed softly in the muted light.

* * *

Review if you please. It'd make me happy. 


End file.
